Hello, my name is Gerry Anthony Williams.
I am a pain in the ass. When I’m not upset over something the average person shouldn’t be upset about, I bitch and complain about being upset over something the average person shouldn’t be upset about.
Also, my little brother Angelo has no initiative, and that upsets me greatly. Can you believe he has to be told what to do? Me, I have all the initiative in the world. Oh yes. When I was in secondary school, nobody had to tell me to waste class time and get mediocre grades in my final exams. Oh no. I did that all on my own.
I have also mastered the art of setting double standards.
In my mother’s bakery where I work, I always try to maintain the dirtiest, most unsanitary conditions possible when preparing food and I never clean up when I am finished. However, this does not please my mother and she always has to tell me to clean up the bakery, which upsets me. It upsets me greatly. I can take the initiative and clean up without being told to, but instead I take the greater initiative- start an argument with my mother. I like to tell her how slow and unproductive she is. Sometimes I even use obscene language. Cursing my mother makes me feel like a man. My father was, after all, a woman beater so naturally I must follow suit although I have never hit a woman. Usually because none of my relationships last long enough for me to find out. Of course, I won’t curse anybody else for fear of confrontation. I only pick fights with people who are physically or intellectually inferior to me so that I always win.
Last year, I brought my second, third, fourth…whatever-number-I’m-at girlfriend home to live with us in a house that I do not own. Eventually however, like the rest of girlfriends I’ve had, she left me. So when Angelo had an argument with mum and he got upset and smashed a drinking glass, I waited until he was in his room before I started bad talking him behind his back because that’s what I always do because I am a man with initiative. So I said he’s a 20 year old man throwing tantrums like a 2 year old (LOL I am so funny). However, he must have been listening because he came in front and told me it’s better than being a 30 year old man bringing women home to shack up and play dolly-house under his mother’s roof. That was MEAN! :( I threatened to slap him but didn’t follow up on it. This is because I am not a man of action, only talk. To compensate for lack of action, I talk more than is necessary. I think I may be impotent, but I am not certain of this (though this would explain why so many women left me).
Angelo is too privileged. I say this because I used to be the youngest until he was born. That makes me the middle brother, the shittiest role in any given family. He thinks he is so smart, being one year away from completing a university degree while I am a year away from having my receding hairline reach the back of my scalp. Damn him!
When he started spoken word poetry, I started as well. But when I realised I failed at poetry, I did what I do best- quit, and accuse everyone involved in it of being trendy, image-conscious hipsters with no intellect. Note that I never actually said this in public, for fear of someone more intelligent than myself confronting me. That’s the same thing I said when I failed at music and politics.
And Angelo is too pampered. He can’t survive in the “real world” because I’m better than him. I know the “real world”, because I know everything and I am perfect. You’re probably thinking “well if you love the ‘real world’ so much, then why don’t you move out of your mother’s house?”. Because I took the initiative to remain in my mother’s house despite being a grown, 30 year old adult man. See? Initiative. I have it. And I’ll be damned if I had to live in a place where I don’t have people to listen to me bitch and cry about things that upset me. I need to feel important by being a complete and total asshole to the people around me, because that’s how I roll.
Like a Boss.
